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Inside are the musings of a gay automaton. Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Withheld" journal:

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April 18th, 2012
09:45 pm


A quote.
"That is why we have an Achilles' Heel, the educational system. Again, sociology majors are not going to be the ones determining the future of Silicone Valley, but physicists, engineers. We need more of them, not less." -- Michio Kaku


I don't even remember anything from the measly sociology class I took. I got my "C" in it because I knew it didn't matter. It was a class of zero consequence, and the grade doesn't even count.

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February 26th, 2012
01:57 pm


Hulk Smash....!
For the most part, this semester has been surprisingly successful and rewarding. Since I have used the previous semesters as primarily "busy work," I made sure that the classes I chose this semester felt real, relevant. Strangely, half of my classes are online classes, which means that I submit homework and tests through an online system called SNAP. I find it strange, but it is efficient. It works for me.

But last Friday I woke up feeling like I was going to accomplish something. I just had a feeling that...well...everything was going to be OK. I only had three assignments that had to be submitted online, but I knew I needed a text book I don't have, for reference. So I had to go all the way to Parkland College to get that text book. "OK," I think to myself, "I'll just do my homework at school." That was not to be since the library computers did not have the actual SNAP program installed. Reluctantly, I go back to the house, still focused.

I'm back at home, and I'm doing my homework. I got stuck on an easy problem. The text book I signed out wasn't helping. The actual excel text book for my excel class wasn't helping. I spent nearly two hours on one goddamn problem.

And then I lost my patience and my sanity.

I smashed my computer to death. So my laptop is in pieces, broken and non-functional, obviously. I just got so angry at the fact it took me nearly 2.5 hours to do nothing. Yes, nothing. After my fit, I annotated how I spent my morning. I made it to the bus stop at 9:40am. I was at school by 10:15am. I tried to do my homework there, but couldn't since there was no installed program on the library computers. So I went back home and I made it home by 11:10. I immediately (tried to) start my submissions, but couldn't, which took me until around 12:25am. That was when I destroyed my computer. It took me 2.5 hours to do nothing. Literally. I got nothing done. I just wasted time on public transportation, signing out a book I can't even use now, and trying to do easy homework. I literally did nothing. For almost three hours.

And you know what? I didn't actually do anything to the computer that it wasn't going to do on its own. Not once, but twice, my computer got stuck in one of those "constantly restarting" sequences. The first time it happened was about a week ago, but the computer fixed itself. Then, a few days before I took out my anger on my machine, the computer completely froze. I restarted it, like a good automaton, but then the computer just kept restarting over and over again. That is a tell-tale sign the harddrive is about to crash in the machine. I actually had to flip my computer over to remove the LI-ion battery.

Maybe I realized my computer was going to break. Maybe getting a two-year-old computer repaired is exactly the same as simply buying a new one. Maybe I got frustrated at the fact I could have had my easy homework done earlier in the week. Maybe I just didn't care. But I fucking yelled and beat the computer, and keys were flying off in different directions. It was blind rage. And I did feel a sense of catharsis after my emotional outburst.


So now I have a computer in pieces. Now I have tons of wasted time. What can I do? Spend money I was going to spend anyway, on a new computer, since my harddrive was about to crash. I can submit my homework in one of the computer labs I know has the SNAP system. I think I can also start submitting homework earlier in the week, which I've been doing. I just need to make more of a habit of it. I also need to get some personal files from the defunct harddrive.

One day at a time, Nick.

Current Mood: angryangry
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December 7th, 2011
06:01 pm


Is this an irony? I ask this question in true inquisitiveness.
I figured out an irony, I think. So I will give a tale of it.

For some reason I get in these restless moods. I feel the need to shift and relocate myself into a new sphere of experience. I did that once before when I chose to enlist in the Marine Corps. But for some reason back then in 2001 I was suicidal. I have to acknowledge that was one of the elements of my choice of my enlistment. It was. It was small.

So I went through the Marine Corps possibly looking for a way to die honorably. It did not happen. But it was a possibility. The biggest irony about that decision was that it was one of the few things that I actually did that counted. It was also one of the few things that I was good at. It was one of the few things I could manage. It was the life of an enlisted man, and I opted out of it. I still regret the decision of choosing to opt out of the only thing that made me grow, and enabled internal growth.

I sigh with regret at that decision. It was truly silly, and it was truly misdirected. It misfired me all because the enlisted life only asked me to sacrifice my free time a little bit. I used to go on deployments, and I used to travel. I actually served a common good, in a common corner, and it was sufficient for me to live a satisfied, fulfilled, true, real life.

But now I just sit like a lump on the log waiting for something to come my way. But yet I live this way because I actively choose to live this way -- with easy exits and later-ons and laters tomorrow. I have lost my courage somehow to do the most everyday, basic task. But now I must choose to make adult decisions very, very soon.

I have already dwelt upon that road before. But the main central point of this post, originally, was to tell, to try to understand, whether my choice I made (described up there) as ironic? I think I should look up the meaning online.

OK! So apparently, it is!
the author causes a character to speak or act erroneously, out of ignorance of some portion of the truth of which the audience is aware. In other words, the audience knows the character is making a mistake, even as the character is making it. This technique highlights the importance of a particular truth by portraying a person who is strikingly unaware of it.
Does that therefore mean that I can allowed to find the humor in such of my decisions? Does this enable me to get over my bad decisions? Is this realizeable? I really hope it is. I am sick of the swing days and the heavy days and the high days and the neutral days and the sepia days and the ultra-highlighted days. My moods, and my days, swing way too erratically for me to assimilate. Nuances confuse me, and I also have a really difficult time identifying real, genuine emotion, from the manufactured ones I'm supposed to have at a particular situation.

I am rambling. I should not take advice. I should not because I think the only real answer I can find for myself is the one I have to grant. All options have good and bad consequences. For what I choose in the future has to be a choice that is truly selfless.

I am freaking out right now.

Because, at my most toastiest immediately after smoking some m-j, I get a call for a job offer for the food co-op. I mean, I was ripped to the tits on fresh marijuana. And, so far, up to that point before the call, I was enjoying myself. This is the third call today. The first two were bullshit "charity" calls that only monitor people's where-abouts.
I get the ring. I am so prepared to tell off a real person...or to, at least, hang up angrily at the robot call. I chortle with the thought of such rage at such banality.

But..... NOOOOOOOOOO! It just had to be an actual call from an actual employer who is interested in an interview at the place I've been lusting over for employment for the past two months! Fuck me sideways! Out of all the time between when I turned in the application, to absolute now -- the zenith of toastiness -- is when I receive this kind of call? For real, Universe? For real, God? For real, 4D Space-time interdimensional aliens? This poor girl had to listen to me?

I don't know how I held my shit together. I will have to give my weed to &***# tomorrow because I know I will have to go dry during my employment. And I figure if I don't do it tomorrow, I'll make some excuse with myself to keep it...which in turn will ruin me in some lame, benign way. Oops... I slept past my alarm... Oops, I forgot the start of my shift, but I'm on my way... Oops, wishing I wasn't here standing doing nothing.

I sigh.

I laugh now. Yes. There are bad parts. And there are bad mistakes and choices. And there is evil in people's hearts, and wrath within my own, but somehow: There is still good to be enjoyed in some way. Because there is still good. It has to exist somewhere. I actually searched, in real life, for a secluded utopia, not once, but twice. Where everyone has a purpose and a path, and a real sense of being and belonging.

So the interview is this Friday at 1pm. That means I should be there at 12:40pm. I don't want to appear too anxious and gleaming.

I am thankful for this moment. If it doesn't come to fruition, I will still favor it as a possibility somewhere else.

Current Location: 61801
Current Mood: nervousnervous

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October 28th, 2011
08:41 am


Writer's Block: R.I.P
What do you want done with your body after you die?



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October 20th, 2011
10:49 am


"Sphere" had one awesome scene.
The movie Sphere was, by many definitions, a very flawed movie. I always found it a guilty pleasure because I feel that it honestly tried to deal with the unknown, and the unknowable-in-a-realistic-fashion unknown. In the movie, the found a space ship from the future buried in goal in the middle of the ocean. All geological phenomenon occur at very steady rates, so they realize the coral indicated the ship was here on this planet for hundreds of years already. "Cool," I think.

Curious humans explored the ship. (I would, too.) On the ship it is discovered that not only was it American-made, but sent out into space to look for rare phenomenon. This ship from the future had on it a mysterious sphere that was perfectly smooth, but rippled. In the book the sphere was absolutely smooth, but it had a triangular hatch. For some reason the sphere somehow "chose" who to reflect in its surface. In the book, the sphere's hatch could not be pried open, no matter what. "Anyway, cool," I think. "They messed that up a little bit."

Here is where the movie did better than by the book. In the book, Harry figures out a way to open the sphere. Harry had to walk into the sphere after mediating in front of it for a little while. How Buddhist. In the movie, and this is pretty damn cool, once the sphere reflected a person, the sphere would "absorb" him instantly. In the movie, when harry was reflected, his reflection raced up to the north pole -- the zenith -- of the sphere. And when he reached it, he instantly disappeared from the real world. That was pretty damn cool. Even the characters who were in the movie who saw Harry disappear, Norman and the Navy Officer, couldn't believe their eyes at what they saw on the security monitor. I think that scene was better than what happened in the book. The movie sequence more more "quantum-mechanic-"y. Although I am really hesitant to believe that no one would notice a big shiny metal sphere wasn't reflecting them back. All think all for of them would have noticed that instantly. I found that too unbelievable. I think a more realistic approach to that weird phenomenon is that all of the brainy scientists would be too afraid to approach an apparently technological device.

But yes, the rest of the move Sphere is a hot mess. The acting was stilted. Parts of the book were necessarily changed (neutered). In the book, Norman and Beth never had an affair. Why was that changed for the movie adaptation? To make it more scintillating? It was unnecessary. I feel that the movie should have shown his attraction to her without having to "tart it up." I guess this is a rare situation in which established actors just phone it in. Peter Coyote took his role way too seriously. He was enjoyable, though. I just didn't believe he was a curmudgeony navy officer. He was too...neutered. Too close-shaven. Too tall for the role I was expecting to be seeing played by the book character.

Another big part about the movie that really bothered me was that the book avoided a time paradox. Time travel movies are just really hard genres to represent as they really would be perceived. In the book, when the monitor was activated, it showed the forward camera view of the space ship. The camera saw the universe fall away, to the outer edges of the field of view of the camera, with a central inner horizon containing a star field. So, in the book, it specifically states that this ship came from a different universe, although time travel could be factored in as plausible as well. It was never specifically stated the ship came from the future. So, the sphere spent forever caught in this time loop? How did it enter the time loop in the first place? I think I've obsessed about this before. But, at least the book avoided this weird conundrum by heavily implying the sphere came from outside our universe. Something that incredible could only exist there.

Urgh. The movie ending didn't follow the book ending...even though it could have! You know...the movie would have been better experienced if it followed the book. The book was well-balanced, and it seemed plausible. The characters were more real. There was too much triteness in the movie that bothered me.

Smart movies are a rare thing. Sphere wasn't smart when it could have been. Perhaps it should have kept is heavy, paranoid, racist, and sexist characters as characters, instead of the laundered archetypes there were in the movie! Such shame. If the hologram sequence, and the "absorption-ascension" sequence, were so damn cool...I think the script could have tried hard, too.

A clunky, but sporadically, enjoyable, "tries-too-hard-but-not-enough" sci-fi romp.

Current Mood: geekygeeky
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October 17th, 2011
02:35 pm


What a dolt I've been.
Lucky breaks. Weird coincidences. These are the extreme likely events being realized. What are the chances? What are the odds? How do people end up lucky? What if luck was a real, tangible force that could be analyzed in some way?

Lucky breaks. How do people get lucky?
Weird coincidences. What event or events lead to that particular moment, had to be navigated for you?

What if you “landed” in a physical “weird coincidence” cycle in which I fell into incredible luck. The events that conspired since the moment of my bad choice bad truth moment. How did I get so lucky? How did I get so lucky as to score a man who loves me unconditionally, but yet I cannot give back even the smallest iota of true-ness and realness. How did I become so walled? How do I break through this wall of selfishness and greed if it constantly gives me the things I absolutely don’t need right now. These decisions have trapped me in some physical way into something I legitimately did not earn. I did not earn true love because I somehow did not achieve adulthood. I mean, real manhood. Real goddamn adulthood. Real independence. And real maturity. And real truth. And real true love.

The simple act of giving love – which is so easy for humans – is incomprehensible to me. The absolute love I give is the only love that sustains me physically. It sustains my mechanisms of indulgence and hedonism. It enables me to sleep in a comfortable bed, and eat healthy food, and stay up all the time and play games. I can’t have these things because they somehow keep me from being an adult. Do my toys own me? If so, how do I break free? If not, how much more can I balance to keep the deep illusion of advancement and business. I have a feeling I am typing, word-for-word, a previous entry somewhere. I have this familiar feeling.

Why do I look like a human if I am not humanistic? Am I an animal in disguise? Is my facade me? Why am I? Why do I do the things and do, and choose the things I choose. How do I break free of my selfishness when it needs what I have to sustain itself. These things are external. How do I assimilate that into my thinking? Even if this were true. How do I break free of a cage that is imprinted and engraved into a surface that cannot be hopped over – to see another groove in the surface of possibility. How do I break free of my choices which are ungrounded in probabilities into the future – the 4D? How do I have the foresight to see the branches and avoid the bad goddamn choices that are always based upon selfishness?

Do I need to truly give? Is that the remedy of selfishness? How do I give selflessly if my selfishness feeds off of the things I need for my survival. Food, shelter. For me to truly (try to) live on my own is to fail because I have always survived by charity. After Kevin, there be no one else. And it will be Kevin because he is the only way I can survive in the wild of reality. And Kevin deserves better than that. He deserves and adult.

Too many toys. But they fill my time with meaningless purpose. Too many vapid college classes. But they give the impression of advancement. I am such a dolt.

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September 28th, 2011
09:04 am


The Feel of Words.
Don't be frivilous with your words. Use them wisely.
Contain and feel the words. Feel their thickness..... their voluptuousness.
Pass them through your lips.
Feel their veins as their texture slides past your skin. Feel the goose-bumps.

Current Location: 61802
Current Mood: creativecreative

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August 17th, 2011
08:29 pm


A scary fuck. No lie. Don't click unless you want nightmares tonigh.
A scary gay picture of a semi-erect man wearing a scary mask. You have been warned.Collapse )

I laugh at your fear. :P

Current Location: Rule 34
Current Mood: hornyRule 34
Current Music: Robyn "Time Machine"

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July 20th, 2011
07:17 pm


Little Chicks!
The dove eggs hatched! Not only that, the dove chicks are older than what I expected them to be. They already have their pin feathers, which means that they must have been hatched for a little while. I was hoping that I would catch them fresh from the egg, so to speak, but I missed the boat.

I am still extremely satisfied that they look healthy. I really hope they fully fledge out to adult birds and fly away into the wild blue yonder. That would make me so very happy.

Time for chick pictures!

From mourningdove

From mourningdove

From mourningdove

From mourningdove

The cuteness of the chicks melts my heart into a puddle of goo. Seriously.

Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
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July 18th, 2011
08:57 pm


"Do you smoke green?"
Well, I used to smoke green, but I never knew I was that obvious to the world about it.

Today I had the weirdest interaction with a random stranger I still can't believe it actually happened. It started like this:

I spent some extra time at school to study for a quiz later this week, which meant that I left school one hour later than usual. I got on the bus, and, presumably, a stoner sat next to me. No big deal, I sit next to people on the bus all the time. I would also assume that a surprising portion of the people who I do sit next to are probably stoned, but I wouldn't know. It is public transportation. So a few minutes into the bus ride this guy hands me his smart phone. Displayed on the screen was some "l337 speek" along the lines of, "Hey man, Do U smoke Green?" I handed the phone back to him not really knowing what he was asking, and truthfully, not really knowing what to do. This guy was like asked me, "Well...do you?" So I told the truth and told him that I used to smoke quite a bit, but I stopped because I did it too much. He then stated that he just arrived from a far-off location and had a "big stash" he was looking to unload. Well now...That was the end of the conversation that we had on the bus.

We both disembarked the bus at the bus terminal, and curiosity got the best of me. So this stoner guy was near me and I struck up a conversation. I asked him what gave me away? I asked him what made him think that I was part of that culture. He was like, "Well, I looked at you and I could tell because of the hat, the beard, the chain, and the earrings." After that we talked a little bit more. Apparently he just arrived from Forth Worth, Texas, which means he probably had Mexican weed.

Well now, I guess I just look like a stoner. *scoff*

So I've told all of the pool people about this story, and they were asking me if I actually bought some weed. I did not, and I made sure they knew it. I'm just wondering, again, what is the chance that some random stoner guy would ask me, out of the blue, as to whether I was looking to score some weed. What are the chances? You know, if he asked me two weeks ago I would have taken him up on his offer, but alas, I am drying myself out. This is such a random occurrence that I can hardly believe it.

My life is extreme random occurrences. This one is just a bit benign. That is all.

Me "being a stoner."

Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
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